So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
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If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
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i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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