your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the knife in your bed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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