So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
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He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
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That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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