I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize