I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
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I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
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At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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