we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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