There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
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I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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