my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
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I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
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He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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