Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
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At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
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I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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