I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
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She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
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Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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