He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
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First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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