I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
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How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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