I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
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Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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