You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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