Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
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We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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