i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
sex in a hospital.. check
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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