every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I AM VODKA MAN
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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