I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
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Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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