So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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