you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
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You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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