she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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