im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
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How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
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Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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