I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
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I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize