ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
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For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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