I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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