We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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