Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
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The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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