Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she told me i tasted like america
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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