Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
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I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
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they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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