How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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