I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
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Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you win again, gameday.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
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He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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