so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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