she takes plan B like it's going out of style
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
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There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize