After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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