I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
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Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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