if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
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Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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