What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
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This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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