It's Friday. Sex?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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