plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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