Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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