He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize