Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you inspire me to be a worse person
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We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
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My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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