I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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