i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
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I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
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