I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
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Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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