She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You made out with two different species that night
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a shit load of segways right now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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