I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
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There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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