I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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