Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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