Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
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It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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