Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
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Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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