woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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